There's 90 minutes we'll never get back. I know we're not exactly doing much, with this third lockdown business, and neither are Fulham on the training field, evidently, because absolutely nothing has changed or evolved concerning our alarmingly docile offensive mechanism.
Scott Parker faced an old adversary in Ole Gunnar Solskjær on Wednesday night and it was his men that broke the deadlock in the opening stages. Fulham, under Parker's guidance, had never lost a game where they'd gone ahead but, similar to the 0-0 home record that stood for basically a decade, that accomplishment was washed away in the downpour.
Fat Frank Lampard will be pleased that those viral memes of his inflated face have stopped circulating, for now, as Chelsea's visit to the river promised a derby day victory against Scott Parker's depleted single point enthusiasts. Straying from Stamford Bridge, the Blues flaunted the local bragging rights, which they've held for some time now, and returned to the dog track, safe in the knowledge that their strikers are nearly as shite as ours.
Scott Parker allowed his men to do all the talking on his behalf on Wednesday evening. Scripts are regularly strewn when Fulham's a member of the cast and against another title-chasing monopoliser, directed by another petulant prima donna, the Whites wrote their own plot with an unforeseen ending.
Howay the lads only come away with one point? I know, terrible pun, and that isn't the worst of it, as we'll discover and revise as this article thickens with anguish and disdain. Hold on, though, there's also notable reasons to be cheerful, upbeat and chipper, so sod the tier system, we're all in this together.
In 196 games, 3413 days all in all, Fulham had not drawn a game 0-0 at Craven Cottage but all good things, even if it isn't necessarily exciting to say the least, have to come to an end at some point in history, and though it wasn't the most illustrious of records, it's a statistic that'll be missed dearly for a sorrowful day, or two.
Jamie Carragher isn't a very good pundit and I hope this tremendous result had him spitting at civilians from his car window on the way home. Liverpool are the champions of England, quite literally, and they were humbled by Scott Parker's doomed Fulham, destined for the drop. Eat your words.
Manchester City recorded a routine 2-0 victory over a Fulham side that haven't won at the Etihad since April 2009. In fact, the Whites haven't even scored a single solitary goal against City, in all competitions, since December 2013 so, in the words of Liam Gallagher, "as you were".
In a week where world football's been shaken to its core, Fulham achieve the inconceivable with a valiant 2-1 victory against Leicester City, a club credited as a top four contender. Light always follows darkness. Generational legends, cult heroes have sadly left us recently, although a dub on the road will certainly lift our spirits.
Normality, begrudgingly, resumed following the November international intermission. Fulham lose another Premier League fixture by a slim 1-goal margin and penalties are just as good as goal kicks. Carlo Ancelotti's Everton were on a perilous downward spiral before they travelled south to the capital but Fulham were, and still are, in greater need of points.
Let's make one thing clear before we mull over the fatty innards of Saturday night's cruel defeat: Fulham are 17th, out of the relegation zone, and we did not deserve the result that unjustly came our way. For what it's worth, Scott Parker's Whites took the game to David Moyes' excelling West Ham United and we are not, by any stretch, resident whipping boys.
Three points, a clean sheet and nothing but good vibes, that's what Fulham's crunch victory over West Bromwich Albion is all about. We've been waiting patiently for Scott Parker's men to explode into action in the Premier League and on Monday, with Bonfire Night in the near distance, we were treated to a top-flight cracker.
Roy Hodgson's always welcome back at Craven Cottage, just not when he's managing the opposition. The 73-year-old returned to SW6 to challenge Scott Parker's basement boys and our 40-year-old gaffer learnt another hard lesson as Crystal Palace claimed a 2-1 victory on a blustery afternoon under the skeletal foundations of the new Riverside stand.
Improvements. That's the flavour of this write-up following Fulham's 1-0 loss against Wolverhampton Wanderers and though we're bottom, without a point to our name, we should be nicely satisfied with the camp's honest, resurgent reaction at Molineux.
We are three games into our instant return to the Premier League and we have already been resigned to relegation by every living creature known to mankind. Dire, diabolical, Fulham's fragile, frigid showing on Monday evening was up there with the worst we've seen for quite some time and I'm not even angry, I'm totally embarrassed. In 5 weeks, cloud nine has soured into a reality riddled with undignified mortification.
Well, that wasn't boring, was it? Frustrating, yes, although a 4-3 loss against Marcelo Bielsa's free-flowing Leeds United, away from home, sounds a lot nicer than a 4-1 drubbing. Sure, we still lost, but the Lilywhites didn't have it all their own way and for the final half an hour or so, their bucket-sitting mastermind was bricking it.
Let's be honest with one another, we sort of saw this result coming, didn't we? It's completely befitting that our automatic return to the Premier League plated up a cold opening day defeat at the merciless ladle of Mikel Arteta's resurgent Arsenal so, if you have shed a few premature tears, dry 'em or your Saturday night curry'll be ruined.
We are Premier League. Hangovers aplenty across the breadth of the capital and beyond, we witnessed a remarkable encounter between two great rivals in the richest game of football on the planet. The stakes were as high as our blood pressures but crumbling? That's not us, it's much more of Brentford thing.
Cardiff City travelled easterly from Wales' capital to England's with one core motivation in mind. Humbled in their own back yard, Neil Harris encouraged his fold to take nothing for granted and to express themselves and to their credit, they conducted themselves superbly. 2-1 on the night to the Bluebirds, 3-2 on aggregate to Fulham, both squads portrayed their best and their worst in a riveting Play-Off semi-final face-off.